Releasing Fear Part II

 (Releasing fear always helps with a light sword and dark hood)

"Astral Warrior" some of my fractal art...

I have had a request from a colleague to explain how I released this specific fear (performance in front of others) and I decided to do a blog post on this and releasing fear in general.

I may have released fear with performing with my harp...but a HUGE hurdle is ahead of me for releasing my fear of Speaking My Truth. At harp school in Vermont, it suddenly became known to me that I do not like the way my voice sounds...because I was not speaking my truth and I felt I was being untrue to myself for the sake of not offending others (done this all my life).

I hope that I can use this blog to Speak My Truth...but I hesitate because the timing is not quite right...but it will happen (on this blog or another) and it's a necessary step I must take with my personal growth.

Releasing Performance Fear

The best advice I can give about this is that, I think you will always feel nervous or your heart will beat faster, but there will be a moment of SURRENDER that you finally feel in front of others while playing your instrument. And I'm not talking about bladder control...

I practiced first, by really imagining my living room filled with strangers as I practiced my harp. Play with the window open. I tried to play in front of friends when I could.

I had the fortunate ability to develop about 20 minutes of music I could play from memory. Most of this music was self-composed, improv, and Melissa's Circle. Arpeggios and playing in Angel Mode (Pentatonic Scale) was also helpful.

I was so nervous the first time playing in the hospital. It took me probably more than several weeks to finally actually think about playing therapeutically. Since I was concentrating so much on my performance and other's reactions.

I noticed that nobody noticed when I made a mistake. I used this to my advantage. I learned how to fake it. To play through the mistake without shaky hands, weird facial expression, and abrupt stopping. Of course, I learned how to do this by doing all the above and feeling quite embarrassed. Realizing, I was only making it worse for myself.

Have you ever watched a performance, where you knew the performer had made a slip-up and continued on as if nothing ever happened? She was still confident, her slip-up didn't make more slip-ups because she was focusing on the slip-up. You know what I mean...

I was determined to become that confident girl who was totally faking it!

At the start of playing in front of 150 people, I felt nervous and a little fear. I was relieved because it did not look like a stage with a spot light on me. I could look at a spot in front of me that helped me not to focus on the audience. Then I let myself go and surrendered to the music. I was then able to physically feel my passion, love, and intent moving through my body and coming out through the instrument. This was a huge moment for me. I did it!

Releasing fear in general

Overcoming one fear can help with the next fear. However, with that being said...I cannot give a great explanation on how to do this because I only could do this through my spiritual growth process. This will be individually different for everyone. I am one of those that has had to grow quickly in order to fully express what I came here to do. It wasn't until certain Earthly events, galactic alignments, body changes, spiritual changes...and just good ol' timing, that I have finally been able to release fear in a general sense. With the one last hurdle being...speaking my truth.

When you're not busy fearing...you free up so much space in your thoughts, that you can focus on peace. I am feeling this peace. And it has led to a bunch of "I could care less" statements and letting things roll off my back. I have released much attachment to outcomes, people, situations. It all doesn't really matter anymore how it used to.

Releasing fear allows for more of your true self and soul to shine through. People become naturally drawn to you. Your music improves. You feel like you have just as much right to take up space on the sidewalk and you don't move aside for someone who is coming into your path. The creepy guy next to you in the elevator...you don't fear him...you just observe him. Silly little fears like that...take up so much of your energy. Release as you go and realize, how silly that I am feeling fear over that!

Hope this helps...

Releasing Fear

 (Image I saw while meditating. This artist captured it perfectly!)

I can't believe it's been more than a month since my last post! Much has happened and October has flown by just as fast as the bowl of nearby candy corn.

My biggest accomplishment is releasing FEAR. I played in front of at least 100-150 people twice this past week or so and it was amazing to finally embrace my own power and intention while playing. People can even talk to me and it doesn't disturb me as much. Music blown off the music stand...not a problem.

I'm still trying to establish bringing in more harpists into the hospital because the demand is growing. It seems I'm sensing the fear that no department really wants to be "responsible" for this. I'm giving this hospital an opportunity, but I'm also fine with moving on to another venue if it resonates like a harp string and is welcomed with opened wallets...I mean arms.

Random elevator hospital observations: apparently there are parents more than willing to sacrifice their children in strollers to the elevator gods.

And on a serious note: there is change in the air. Can you feel it? Stuff is happening, Earth changes. 11.11.11 should be a fun date to meditate on. However, I am playing for the Veteran's Day service at the hospital and somehow they want me to do a rendition of Taps on my harp (which is traditionally done with a bugle). My military-employed husband raises his eyebrow at this one...